Liar, Liar, where’s the jolly fat man?

        Santa isn’t real and I’m pissed. I feel like that was the first world shattering lie and they just don’t stop. The more we learn, the more I realize I was wrong. What’s the point? We’re going to find out Earth is actually shaped like a turtle twenty years from now anyways (this is a bit of a Terry Pratchett reference because he’s a great author). Oh the betrayal! In case you think you know anything, here’s some upsetting truths I’ve learned over the years:

  1. You can’t see the Wall of China from the moon. Great, now I feel even more small and insignificant. Plus I must’ve looked like an idiot waving to the sky while standing on the Great Wall.
  2. Foods that are supposedly some certain flavor and then taste nothing like that flavor. What the heck yellow Laffy Taffys? You don’t taste like a banana.
  3. Goldfish have a memory longer than three seconds. So somewhere in goldfish heaven my poor fish (whom I called fish) actually remembers I never named him. Now I feel like a jerk.
  4. Ostriches don’t stick their head in the ground. This is mostly upsetting because it shows cartoons have been lying to me as well. Which probably means Batman doesn’t exist.
  5. Twinkies don’t really last forever. They’re shelf live is about 25 days. Now what will we eat during the Apocalypse? The end of the world is looking more terrifying by the second.
  6. Fortune cookies are Chinese or even American. Apparently they’re Japanese ( here’s where I’m getting this fact from I knew this was false before going to China, but it still annoys me.
  7. Bats aren’t blind. Also vampires don’t sparkle or in fact exist. Which makes me sad because I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer and was considering applying for the job. What the heck am I supposed to do with a Criminal Justice major now?
  8. Apparently no scientific evidence exists that suggest sugar makes you hyper. I actually believed this one for a long time. I wonder if my food was laced with crack.
  9. Reading in dim light doesn’t hurt your eyes. As a nerdy person, I read all of the time. My mom was frequently telling me to turn on a light. Apparently this was unnecessary. Which is good because I never listened. I was too hyper from all the sugar I ate.

10. Ke$ha is a trashy, drunkard. It seems she isn’t. It’s so hard to know whom to dislike anymore. I’m hoping the cast of Jersey Shore doesn’t start publishing scientific theories. You feel like you know a person and then they go and betray you.

            Let’s talk about Ke$ha a bit more. According to various web creeping I’ve done, she’s actually quite intelligent. She’s written songs for Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus. A Clockwork Orange inspired one of her makeup looks. She campaigned for PETA and was named Humane Society’s first global ambassador for animals. So why does she have to act like a trashy, whore to make money and sell albums? I don’t know, but it seems to work. She can afford a glitter gun and I can’t. So clearly she’s succeeding at life.

            I’m really not sure if people are lying to us or we’re all just dumb. Hopefully it’s the former. Personally, I’m going to stop believing everything that isn’t backed up by scientific studies or found on Wikipedia. I can’t wait to begin my life as a conspiracy theorist.

Best Wishes,

Caitlin Bartnik



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