Sometimes people make me mad. I like to deal with this by threatening to write angry letters. However, I never follow through. This is mostly because I get distracted by a shiny object and forget I’m mad. However I’m very upset with my school’s dining services for messing up my vegetarian food options. So I wrote them a dissatisfied letter. That letter wasn’t super fun because I didn’t want to be mean. In the spirit of fun and mean, I decided to write some of the angry letters I’ve threatened to send over the years. Here’s how they would go.
Dear whoever is sending emails asking if I’m stressed,
Why yes, I am. My stress is mostly a result of the ten million emails you send me trying to get me to go to stress management workshops. I have more important things to do with my life. I need to write this blog. Also, Pretty Little Liars is on tonight. So please stop reminding me how stressed I am.
Dear person on a Bluetooth headset,
Stop looking at me like I’m insane when I think you’re talking to me. I’m not the crazy one hearing voices in my head. You are. Also, you look dumb. I’m guessing that was obvious but in case no one ever told you, I’ll be that kind soul. You look slightly demented chatting to the air. If you’re really important and on some call that saves the world or something, I’m sorry for calling you dumb. Though if you’re busy saving the world you probably shouldn’t be reading my blog…
Dear professor who can’t use Power Points properly,
Fun fact: I can read. Quite well actually. I’m even aware that the statement prior to this sentence is a fragment. I don’t care, but I am aware. With my wonderful reading powers I can understand all of those words on your Power Point. This makes you reading the words to me again both redundant and incredibly boring. Please don’t put me to sleep. Don’t write a whole lecture on Power Point slides. Just say no to mind numbing Power Points. Take that speech class all of the students are required to pass.
Dear admissions office at Hogwarts,
I’m still peeved I never got a letter. What’s that about? Did my owl get lost? Maybe you should start using email or get a website. I wouldn’t even use my magical powers to blow up relatives or free zoo animals. Well, unless they were in really tiny cages. That’s just too sad. So, I might free zoo animals. No pudding floating though, and I probably wouldn’t fly a car. If I did, I’d use ninja-like sneakiness. Do you accept transfer students?
Dear cropped tops,
Why are you so popular? I’m not sure where whoever decided this trend lives, but I can’t walk around in half a t-shirt on a normal day. It’s not that I don’t like my stomach. I do. I have abs of semi regularly worked out muscle. They could probably stop a paintball. However, not everyone wants to see my abs. I’m not sure why, but it’s true. So, please make shirts normal lengths again. I’d greatly appreciate it. Also, leggings still aren’t pants. Just FYI world.
I would politely like to inquire when we (the general population) can expect flying cars. Soon? Soonish? I know this will completely ruin any chance I’ve got at a good hair day, but I’m willing to sacrifice style for a flying car. Can we get someone working on those? Think how fun it’d be to take pet birds out for a fly or to avoid awful traffic. Fly in movie theatres would be amazing. I understand we’re having a fuel crisis. I suppose you can work on green fuel first, but personally I’d be more motivated to live green if I had a flying car. I’d look down on all of the beautiful nature and never forget to recycle ever again. Think about it.
Dear mean people,
You suck. Being mean isn’t cool. It was never cool. It will never be cool. So yeah, stop that.
Okay this out pouring of angst made me feel much better. I’ll write a post of nice letters sometime to counter all of the annoyances in this one. Today was a day of pet peeves. I think it’s a Monday trait. I’m going to go do fun, happy things now.
The image is from here.