If being a girl was like in commercials

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up and wasn’t immediately happy about my existence. So I used face wash. Instant cheer! Instead of washing it off like a normal human being, I excitedly threw water at my face. While smiling. It was grand. Don’t worry; I didn’t splash any water on my cute but not too sexy pajamas.

Then I showered and washed my hair. Washing hair pretty much is like an orgasm without the sound effects and with a high chance of whiplash. I’m kidding. I made sound effects. Yes Willow, I will whip my hair back and forth. My hair immediately dries to sexy fullness. Next I should probably get dressed.

It’s a tough call, but I’m going to go with an all white outfit. This signifies to the world that I’m on my period and glad about it. Thanks tampon companies. You’ve made this whole experience so much fun I feel an irresistible urge to play sports, wear skimpy bikinis, and do yoga. I’m so carefree that wearing white year round becomes fashionably acceptable. Also I’m bleeding blue. Not sure if that’s normal. Oh well, I did a quick twirl of glee before getting ready to clean my house.

It’s good products like Windex, Magic Eraser thingies, and sprays that make actual cleaning unnecessary exist. It was super annoying picking up after my children and husband, but they’re just so darn cute. It was even adorable when they started sniffing every object in the house. Not weird at all. While doing all of my strenuous cleaning I ate yogurt and pretended it was dessert. Not because I can’t cook, but because I’m health conscious. I also microwave snacks for my kids and their friends who are sitting on the stoop. I didn’t know children still played outside, but at least I’m a cool mom.

I almost forgot to make dinner! Good thing I have these magically easy to make and nutritious microwaveable food choices that I put in real kitchen containers (because I own such things) and serve to my delighted family. Then we all watch TV on separate devices because we can record shows and watch them anytime. Plus I can switch rooms. No one has the attention span to watch TV in just one room. Without this luxury we’d pretty much inhabit a new level of hell.

Oh diary, it was such an eventful day. Good thing I have this luxurious bed that I can bounce on without making the wineglass on the other side move. Why am I sleeping with a wine glass? Because my life sucks! Birds keep flying into the windows, the time on packages and actual time that items should be cooked in the microwave is never the same, and I got face wash in my mouth while acting like a crazy person. It might be poisonous. Screw the glass of wine; I need a whole bottle.

Life competency

           I’m freaking out. Why? Because I just ended that sentence with a preposition and started this one with the word because. Is that allowed? The angry green squiggly line in Word says no. I hate that line. If it possessed sentience I’d call it fat and insult its mother. Why do I even care? I care because my college has a writing competency exam that I’m required to pass. I’m a mix of terrified and annoyed. When did it become necessary to gain competence at anything? Life brims with incompetent idiots. I’m sure plenty of them obtained college degrees.

            I’d like to propose alternative competency tests. Since college began I’ve reached competency in a variety of ways. I’m competent at: microwaving stuff with instructions on it, running, living with a roommate, procrastinating, doing laundry, awkwardly patting shoulders, staying up irrationally late, texting, painting my nails, walking alone in the dark, not losing keys, finding TV episodes on the internet, playing Super Smash Bros., playing beer pong (sort of), power walking to class, and an assortment of other tasks.

            Where’s my credit for all of those skills? I’m feeling a tad underappreciated. Additionally, a lot of other competency tests should probably exist. Such as a parenting competency exam or a kindness competency exam. It could serve as a carfax but for people. Sort of like skill sets on video games. I’d be a level three cook, level six driver, and a level 99 speed reader. Maybe I want to be a Sim?  Mostly I just want motivational music and some sort of visible acknowledgment when I accomplish mundane tasks. The amount of epic in my life would greatly benefit. Right now my competency level in procrastinating would grow and an upbeat musical number would highlight my accomplishment. Since that’s not happening, I should probably return to my studies.

            Best of Luck,

Caitlin

My murder confession

            This afternoon an itty-bitty spider crawled near me and I crushed it with my shoe. Upon reflection, I feel really bad about this senseless act of violence. Why can’t I accomplish a state of Zen and higher thinking that supersedes my need to crush life out of fear? I don’t want fear to control me. I wish I could sleep with my limbs dangling over the side of my bed without an irrational fear of monsters.

            However, I can’t. Reason only goes so far. Spiders are much scarier than monsters, and a lot more documentation exists proving their existence. They’re actually quite helpful. They eat lots of harmful bugs, produce useful silk, and do some creepy and yet bad ass tasks like bring other bugs back to life and produce emeralds (at least that’s what the internet tells me). So why can’t I like them? I’ve tried. Really.

            I’ve even let tarantulas crawl on me in an effort to conquer my fear. It mostly resulted in a lot of shaking and near panicked giggling. The spiders being good have very little impact on my feelings toward them. Even if the monsters that come out in night are like those from Monster’s Inc. I still don’t want them in my room. Spiders are so much worse. Mostly because they’ve got too many legs. What the heck do you do with that many legs? Eww I just pictured a spider karma sutra. Gross. Anyways, the fear runs too deep. I’m a wimp. Not a completely hopeless one, but a wimp all the same. Like Ron Weasley, I’d probably follow the spiders if necessary to help save a friend, but I certainly wouldn’t like it. A lot of whining would ensue.  

            The spider I crushed probably just wanted a tan. It was a lovely day. Maybe she has darling children and is an upstanding member of society. Or she might be wanted for spider treason because she overthrew an evil spider tyrant. Or she could’ve been an evil spider tyrant. I don’t know. Whatever she was I ended her future potential because of my silly fear. Which is sad. What if she was going to someday become genetically mutated, bite a human and produce Spider-man? I love Spider-man. I really don’t want to be responsible for his lack of existence. However, I don’t have a time machine so the best I can do is strive for amends.

            I’m sorry. I’m so sorry dear spider. In the future I’ll endeavor to simply move spiders out of my immediate vicinity. Live and let live will be my new spider motto. Your death will save future generations of spiders. I hope that’s a small consolation. Our brief encounter has taught me a greater respect for life. All life. I don’t care about a beings species, sexual orientation, gender, race, number of appendages, hair color, amount of tattoos, or cultural upbringing. I can’t promise to like you, but I promise not to smash you with the bottom of my shoe. Hopefully, that’s progress.

Best of luck,

Caitlin

P.S. The creepy spider image is from here.

Image

The awkwardness of classifying relationships

            It’s easy to introduce people as a friend, significant other, family member, or spouse. What about the many other forms of human relationships? I can’t be the only person who sometimes gets stumped trying to classify a relationship. It’s often a tricky matter and an awkward one. Who actually enjoys the “what are we” talk? Not me. There aren’t enough options. Relationships (I don’t just mean in the romantic sense) are complicated. I don’t know you’re life and can’t classify relationships for you, but I’ve compiled a list of possible relationship classifications to give us all more options. 

  • Fellow Humans <-this works in case of all fellow humans
  • Acquaintances <-someone you’ve met before (possibly a few times)
  • Hobby In Commoners <-someone you have some sort of hobby (I’m including books and movies in this) in common with and thus share a bond and possibly dialect
  • Co-workers <-someone with whom you share an employer and commiserate the misery of having employment
  • Fraternity/Sorority Brothers/Sisters <-someone with whom you did strange rituals, spent lots of time, and probably sing chants
  • Facebook Friends <-someone you’re friends with on Facebook
  • Internet Friends <-someone you talk to on the internet but not in real life
  • Friends <-someone whose life you are at least mildly interested in and whose company doesn’t make you hate the human race
  • Substance Friends <-someone you like while under the influence of a substance or for the purpose of obtaining a substance
  • Major Friends <-someone you talk to a lot because you’re in a bunch of classes together and need to complain about these classes or study for them (though complaining is probably more likely)
  • Skill Friends <-someone you’re friends with because they have a skill you like/want/need such as cooking or juggling bears
  • Twitter Friends <-someone you like enough to hear about minute details of his or her life in a limited amount of characters
  • Bros <-someone with whom you chill in a manly manner
  • Hos <-someone with whom you chill in a feminine manner
  • Best Friends <-someone you like without pretending and can be sarcastically mean to, usually a relationship full of inside jokes 
  • Super Friends <-someone you are friends with while wearing a cape
  • Friends with Benefits <-someone who you are friendly with and obtain benefits from of some sort (usually the semi-scandalous sort but other sorts of benefits exist too)
  • Test Run Friends<-someone you have the intention of dating but are currently still testing them out
  • Boy/Girl Toy <-someone who is fun to play with (hence the word toy)
  • Fuck Buddies <-someone who is a buddy with whom you fuck
  • Significant Others <-someone who you’ve agreed to be together alone with
  • Spouse <-someone you’re pledged to for life (with or without a piece of paper that says so)
  • Family <-someone you share bloodlines with not by choice but you love them anyways
  • Super Human Friends <-someone who used to be human such as a werewolf, vampire, or zombie who you’re still friends with despite supernatural maladies

Hopefully this helps define your relationships. Often relationships fall into multiple categories. Feel free to comment with additional classifications.

Best of Luck,

Caitlin

The stranger rule, or how to have minimum standards safely…Sort of

While we were in Canada, my friends and I had a conversation about picking up/hitting on strangers. This brought up my strange rule. It’s a great way to figure out if it’s wise* to hit on/pick up/whisper about a stranger. It’s the two stranges and you’re out rule, or three stranges rule depending on the level of desperation involved.

Here are some examples of stranges: stranger, strange place, strange substance, strange outfit, strange weapons, strange fetishes, strange behavior, or strange ideas.

Okay let’s look at some scenarios. I’m going to assume you’re desperate because you’re on the Internet and (probably) not currently in the process of picking up/hitting on someone. So three strikes you’re out rules apply.

1. Abbey is at a party and meets Joe. Joe is wearing a trench coat, carrying a machete, and belongs to a religious cult that worships potatoes. That is three strange strikes. I have nothing against potatoes, but come on.

2. Now Abbey is in a foreign country and on acid and meets a stranger. That’s also three strikes. Abbey is just not getting very lucky.

3. Abbey is in her town, with friends and meets a stranger who dresses normal and doesn’t worship inanimate objects. This is prime flirting material and passes the strange dating laws.

It’s really pretty simple. Most children learn stranger danger. This is strangeness danger which is much more effective. People are more likely to be hurt by someone they know. That’s why people you know can still disqualify under the strange policy. If you know Jeffrey Dahmer and are in your hometown, you still don’t date him because he has strange ideas, strange weapons, and strange fetishes.

This isn’t meant to hate on individuality. Exceptions exist, but at your own risk. Well, everything is at your own risk. I probably would be blocked by my own strange rule at times. That’s okay. The rule basically means get to know people. That way they become not strange… or more strange. Depends on the person. This really isn’t very good advice. You should watch some movies and learn how to have healthy successful interactions with your gender of attraction. I like Easy A.

Best of luck!

Caitlin

*It’s probably never wise to pick up strangers. I’m in no way guaranteeing your safety by using this rule. If you want guaranteed safety learn intense martial arts and then become bullet proof.

An interesting article on Kony 2012 and shameless news site endorsing

This is going to be a brief post, I just wanted to share an article on Kony 2012. Al Jazeera is one of my favorite news networks because they do a good job of avoiding bias and are available in a variety of languages. This article on the Kony 2012 video is written by a professor who researches in Uganda which makes him more qualified than a lot of the opinions floating around on the internet. It’s great to want to help people, and I wouldn’t want to discourage that, but it’s important to be informed.

The article makes a great point that an important step to helping others is to learn. As embarrassing as it is to admit I couldn’t point Uganda out on a map. How in the world can I expect to make a difference when I understand absolutely nothing about Uganda. It’s a lazy and self-indulgent form of activism. Another point the article makes is to look at how your actions are encouraging the conflict. A great way to help is to not make things worse. With all of the information at our disposal we really don’t have any reason to be such uninformed consumers.

So instead of donating to the Kony video, I’m going to work on staying more informed about world issues and try to pay attention to where I spend my money. Money speaks, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Hopefully my quest to be a more informed consumer goes well. I’ll let you know.

Best wishes!

Caitlin

PS: Check out the article for yourself (and if you want brief news updates I’d suggest following Al Jazeera on Twitter) ->

Dangerous ignorance: The hysteria of Kony 2012 – Opinion – Al Jazeera English.

Canada, eh? I’m in Toronto!

It’s my Spring Break, yay! I love breaks and spring so I’m quite glad about it being Spring Break. Unlike smart people who go south, I went north so I’m in Canada with three lovely friends from school. We’re staying in an apartment above a Chinese furniture store in the Chinese district of Toronto, Canada. This place we’re staying in isn’t exactly a palace, but I love it. I love being in the city. So many noises, people, and food!

I think this is a pretty general feeling, I suck at choices, but I love options. Cities are full of options. So many choices! Veggie food is everywhere (p.s. I’m a vegetarian which I plan to post about sometime but haven’t yet), Chinese food, Thai food, Italian food, Vietnamese food, bubble tea (this is totally a whole classification of food), Filipino food, and other delicious noms.

Just like lots of food, there are lots of people. It’s just great seeing different people everywhere. So many cute shoes. Aside from my shallow love of shoes, Toronto just seems super chill. Cute old ladies, heavily tattooed men, and couples with adorable children in strollers are everywhere. I just want to hug all of the people. I don’t think this is how everyone feels in cities, but I do. I just want to hug everyone. Don’t worry, I don’t actually do that. Maybe I should try it. Or not, people would think I’m crazy.

I don’t have internet here right now and am on my friend Chad’s computer. Thanks Chad! I just didn’t want to fall of the phase of the Earth. Later I’ll make some posts with activities, stories, and lovely (silly/ridiculous/fun) photos. I just wanted to share my love of cities tonight. I enjoy them a lot. They get lots of hate and this is my unhate. I hope everyone else on Spring Break is having fun and if you’re not on Spring Break I’m sorry. I’ll try to have enough fun for the both of us. I’ll hug a stranger for you!

Best of luck,

Caitlin

P.S. I added some pics from the trip. All of the images are from places we visited in Toronto including the ROM and the Zoo (featuring an adorable baby polar bear).