If being a girl was like in commercials

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up and wasn’t immediately happy about my existence. So I used face wash. Instant cheer! Instead of washing it off like a normal human being, I excitedly threw water at my face. While smiling. It was grand. Don’t worry; I didn’t splash any water on my cute but not too sexy pajamas.

Then I showered and washed my hair. Washing hair pretty much is like an orgasm without the sound effects and with a high chance of whiplash. I’m kidding. I made sound effects. Yes Willow, I will whip my hair back and forth. My hair immediately dries to sexy fullness. Next I should probably get dressed.

It’s a tough call, but I’m going to go with an all white outfit. This signifies to the world that I’m on my period and glad about it. Thanks tampon companies. You’ve made this whole experience so much fun I feel an irresistible urge to play sports, wear skimpy bikinis, and do yoga. I’m so carefree that wearing white year round becomes fashionably acceptable. Also I’m bleeding blue. Not sure if that’s normal. Oh well, I did a quick twirl of glee before getting ready to clean my house.

It’s good products like Windex, Magic Eraser thingies, and sprays that make actual cleaning unnecessary exist. It was super annoying picking up after my children and husband, but they’re just so darn cute. It was even adorable when they started sniffing every object in the house. Not weird at all. While doing all of my strenuous cleaning I ate yogurt and pretended it was dessert. Not because I can’t cook, but because I’m health conscious. I also microwave snacks for my kids and their friends who are sitting on the stoop. I didn’t know children still played outside, but at least I’m a cool mom.

I almost forgot to make dinner! Good thing I have these magically easy to make and nutritious microwaveable food choices that I put in real kitchen containers (because I own such things) and serve to my delighted family. Then we all watch TV on separate devices because we can record shows and watch them anytime. Plus I can switch rooms. No one has the attention span to watch TV in just one room. Without this luxury we’d pretty much inhabit a new level of hell.

Oh diary, it was such an eventful day. Good thing I have this luxurious bed that I can bounce on without making the wineglass on the other side move. Why am I sleeping with a wine glass? Because my life sucks! Birds keep flying into the windows, the time on packages and actual time that items should be cooked in the microwave is never the same, and I got face wash in my mouth while acting like a crazy person. It might be poisonous. Screw the glass of wine; I need a whole bottle.


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