It was great to see President Obama announce his support for gay marriage. Believing politicians should never change their mind represents pure folly. Nothing good comes of a stubborn adherence to old beliefs with utter disregard to new facts, information, or arguments. It’s important people stand up for their beliefs. Speaking of which, I’d like to share some of my beliefs. In case anyone needs a role model in these trying times. Here’s an alphabetical guide to my feelings on important topics like crocs, birth control, and Edward Cullen.
A is for anal… people. Calm it down. Do the counting to three thing or punch a wall. I don’t care. Stop sweating the small stuff. Poor children are starving everywhere (not just in Africa whoever made that saying a thing) and no one cares if the staple in the corner of my research paper is horizontal or vertical.
B is for birth control. Cheaper and more environmentally friendly than continuously popping out children. If obese people expect insurance to cover their many health needs because they don’t want to give up unhealthy food, I expect birth control to be covered because I don’t want to give up sex.
C is for crocs. Crocs are ugly. Judging if the amount of comfort they provide is worth the amount of pain they inflict on innocent eyes is a personal matter. I don’t see how it’s possible, but wear what you want. Just know, I think your Crocs look dumb.
D is for dinosaurs. Was Jurassic Park just a big tease? When are dinosaurs coming back? Someone must be working on this. Scientists need to step up the game. I want dinosaurs and space travel. I’d even donate money to these causes in return for a dinosaur or spaceship ride.
E is for Edward Cullen. He’s creepy. Vampires shouldn’t sparkle. If someone breaks into your room and watches you sleep, don’t marry that person.
F is for feminism. The meaning of that word seems to vary so I’m not sure I’d call myself a feminist, but I support equal rights. Reproductive organs shouldn’t effect a person’s ability to work too many hours or stay at home caring for children.
G is for google. I’m pretty sure google knows everything and am kind of concerned it’ll take over the world. Not too concerned though because if google search didn’t tell me google took over the world I’d probably never know. Maybe China will put up a fight.
H is for homosexuality. This is America, land of the free. People should be free to do what they want with their naughty bits.
I is for Instagram. Using instagram is fine, but it doesn’t make you a photographer. I’m not sure what does make you a photographer but I think there’s a test and a required amount of nature pictures and shots with strange lighting.
J is for jello shots. Combining food, alcohol, and bad decisions. Seems like a sound political endorsement.
K is for kicking ass. Do it all the time. Kick ass at work, school, play. Never let people belittle your contributions to the world. Do your thing and kick ass at it. Whatever it is.
L is for likes. Likes are fuzzy hugs of happiness via a computer.
M is for money. Money is nice because it turns into things like clothes and food. Maybe the best things in life can’t be bought, but some very nice things are for sale. Like Ben & Jerry’s.
N is for naps. In these tough economic times we cannot afford to give naps to just anyone. Take the naps from the fully rested small children and give them to the sleep deprived adult masses. I promise it’s not the first step to communism. I’m just tired.
O is for old people. I don’t understand respecting people just because they’re old. It’s like, “good job not dying.” That’s dumb. People earn respect based upon their actions, age is irrelevant.
P is for paranoia. I’m strongly opposed to paranoia. Don’t create problems where they don’t exist. This also means don’t expect people to magically know how you’re feeling. Let’s communicate people.
Q is for quirks. Zooey Deshcanel has become the unofficial spokesperson for quirky and adorable. The world will be a better place if we all learn to enjoy each other’s quirks. Also I’m writing her in for President.
R is for really annoying phrases. You should only live once if you say YOLO because after that someone should promptly put you out of your misery.
S is for silence. Sometimes quiet is okay. Take a moment and get Zen.
T is for Tigger. It’s impossible to watch clips of Tigger and be sad about anything. Bounce, baby, bounce.
U is for Umbridge. Probably the worst person on the planet.
V is for vegetarians. I’m a vegetarian. It’s pretty cool. I just learned to make couscous. However, I don’t care if you’re a vegetarian. Everyone should make their own dietary choices excluding cannibals. I don’t support cannibalism.
W is for wikipedia. Not a great source for academic work, but credible for citing in verbal arguments.
X is for X-Men. Best super hero movies. Ever. End of discussion.
Y is for yoga pants. I’m all for guys thinking yoga pants are sexy. They’re ridiculously comfortable. Models are wearing pajamas on the runway, so I can wear yoga pants out in public. Right?
Z is for zilch. That’s how much I have left to say.