Street Kitty: the Anthem of my Cat

Warning: I use/cross out offensive language…

I heard a rumor that the internet loves cats. I also love cats and specifically love my cat, Luna. My roommate and I adopted Luna on a $5 adoption day. Who doesn’t love a sale? Who does’t love adopting pets? That wasn’t rhetorical, the answer is bad people. Bad people don’t like sales and pets. Luna decided she needed a theme song because apparently singing na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Kitty Cat wasn’t enough. Unfortunately, I have no musical ability so I’m adapting part of the lyrics to “Rack City.” This isn’t an endorsement of Rack City’s lyrics, I’m changing those, that’s kind of the point. I just like the beat.

Here’s the inspiration behind the song:

Luna

My cat, Luna, shows me who is boss.

“Rack City” Street Kitty

[Intro:]
Rack, rack, city bitch, city bitch Street, street, kitty bitch, kitty bitch
Rack, rack, rack city bitch, city bitch, rack Street, street, street kitty bitch, kitty bitch, street
Rack, rack, rack city bitch, city bitch Street, street, street kitty bitch, street kitty
Mutha on the beat Get her off the street
Hah! Hah[Verse 1:]
Rack city bitch, rack, rack city bitch Street kitty bitch, street, street kitty bitch
Ten ten ten twenties on ya titties bitch five five five stringies for my kitty bitch
100 deep V.I.P. no guest list kindred peeps, B.F.F. no unrest
T-Raw you don’t know who you fucking with? No pet law! don’t know who you fronting with
Got my other bitch fucking with my other bitch One after another, purring with my silly pet
Fucking all night nigga we ain’t celibate Playing all night, huggin, we ain’t sleepy yet
Make it sound too dope I ain’t selling it Play a bit around, ain’t overselling it
Bar fresher than a motherfucking peppermint Nothin’ better than a kitty-hugging regiment
Gold Letterman last kings killing shit Solid sentiment, adopt a kitty bitch
Young money young money yeah we getting rich Young kitty, young kitty, yeah we getting it
I Got ya grandma on my dick (ha ha) I got ya grandma a kitty pic (ha)
Girl you know what it is Kitty love is what it is

[Hook: x2]
Rack city bitch, rack, rack, city bitch [x3] Street kitty bitch, street, street kitty bitch

Ten, ten, ten, twenties and the fifties bitch five five five stringies for my kitty bitch*
*Lyrics were found on http://www.azlyrics.com
Sing it while listening to the uncensored version (it goes from the beginning to about 1:30) for an embarrassing, but hopefully enjoyable time. I can’t add an audio otherwise I promise I would. I’m sure your rap voice is prettier than mine.
Best Wishes,
Caitlin
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How To Answer “What Are You Doing After Graduation?”

My college graduation day is quickly looming closer. Apparently at some point I started accumulating enough credits to end up with a degree and that seems to signal it’s time to leave. Now I need a plan. A life plan. At least that seems to be expected. I’m sure I’m not the only person who announces impending graduation and than constantly is queried about future plans. I’m tired of awkwardly trying to succinctly summarize my possible options/pretending I actually know what I’m doing. In case anyone can relate, here are my top ten answers to inspire awe and jealousy in family and friends/end the interrogation.

Answers To What Are You Doing After College

Going to Hogwarts!

Okay I'm getting tired of the "keep calm" posters, but I love anything Harry Potter unconditionally.

Okay I’m getting tired of the “keep calm” posters, but I love anything Harry Potter unconditionally.

Tell people you are going to Hogwarts. Really sell it by sending yourself an acceptance letter. Try this website. Don’t worry about not being eleven. They can make a letter look like it was lost in transit (Owl transit of course).

Becoming a Vampire Slayer

Someone needs to kill Edward Cullen.

Someone needs to kill Edward Cullen.

I’m going to be honest, I double dip this answer. I also use it to explain what I’m going to do with my criminal justice degree. If this seems too ambitious the answer may be modified to watching all of the episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on repeat.

 Becoming A Professional Nail Polish Namer

Want to know the toenail polish I’m wearing is called? Houston we have a purple. If you understand both terrible puns and alliteration, you can handle this job. I found a whole blog dedicated to bad nail polish names. Taking on the career might be doing the world a service.

Reading All of the Books

Reading is my happy place.

Reading is my happy place.

This is a totally plausible plan. All it requires is a library. It would take a long time to read a whole library worth of books.

Netflixing

netflixing

Netflix has over 50,000 movies and shows. Someone needs to rate them all. If might as well be you. You could even claim non-profit status. This is an important world service.

Marrying Rich

Gilmore Girls always knows the best way to handle life.

In the interest of progression I would like to point out this is a valid option for both boys and girls.

Taking over the World

Watch out for those shiny things.

Watch out for those shiny things.

The bonus of this answer is that most sane people don’t harass anyone who declares a desire for world domination. Don’t worry, this doesn’t require being evil. Feel free to be a benevolent world ruler.

Getting Pregnant and Collecting Child Support

Unlike many of my other plans that are inspired by the books and television, this plan is musically inspired. I enjoy listening to rap music when physically punishing my body with jogging. One of my favorite artists for exercise purposes is Kanye. Kanye West’s song “Gold Digger” triggered this plan. In case you haven’t heard it. Here’s the most inspiring segment.

18 years, 18 years
She got one of your kids, got you for 18 years
I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids
His baby mamma’s car and crib is bigger than his
You will see him on TV any given Sunday
Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundai
She was supposed to buy your shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money
Should’ve got that insured got GEICO for your money, money, money
If you ain’t no punk holla we want prenup
WE WANT PRENUP! Yeah

Doing Something Vaguely Awesome

I have this posted on my bedroom wall.

I have this posted on my bedroom wall.

There is magic in being vague. As long as the answer is delivered with confidence it woks. If someone asks what doing epic shit means, just repeat epic shit. You could be saving the world or you could be recovering from eating Taco Bell. Nobody will know because of the magic of being vague.

If anyone begins to question your plans simply turn the table. It doesn’t matter how old someone is, nobody knows what they’re doing. If I’m wrong and you do know what you’re doing, let me know how you worked that out.

Best Wishes,

Caitlin

Terrible and Disturbing Things are in this Post

If you decided to read this article after looking at the title then we probably suffer from a similar condition. The layman’s term for this condition is curiosity. Curiosity is very dangerous. I have it on good authority that curiosity is wanted on murder charges.

You deserve this terrible pun for reading my article despite the warning in the title. I didn’t create this image I believe it’s from this blog http://sillikat.tumblr.com/.

So far curiosity hasn’t murdered me, but it certainly causes me problems. Curiosity first became troubling in elementary school. Kids have especially cruel techniques for picking on each other and one of the most common is when a whole group is laughing about some inside joke and won’t share. Being the curious child I was, I always wanted to know. I never seemed to believe people if they told me I didn’t want to know something. Sometimes I should have. Other kids definitely told me things I wasn’t ready to know. Friend’s with older siblings seem to know the most. It was a bit traumatizing when I learned Santa wasn’t real and even more traumatizing when I learned what Shaggy was denying in “It Wasn’t Me.” I sang that song for weeks!

I wish I could ask my younger self what I thought this meant.

My issues with curiosity only worsened as I gained internet access. The internet is full of information I wish I didn’t know. Watching videos of the food industry turned me into a vegetarian (there are other factors, but that definitely played a large role). Just yesterday I clicked on an article about the worst ways people are executed. Why would I need to know this information? I don’t know. Still, I read it and it was gross. Ridiculously gross. You’re probably thinking how gross can it be. You’re thinking that because you have a problem. I’m an enabler so I’ll let you read it for yourself.

My relationship with curiosity isn’t solely mental abuse. There has been physical pain. My tongue suffers from curiosity and often thinks, “I wonder how hot this food or drink item I just heated up and made hot actually is.” Then I burn it. A burnt tongue is a miserable experience. Most of the time I don’t even register my tongue’s existence, but it sure is annoying when it’s in pain. I also may have jumped off a jungle gym with an umbrella because I was curios if I would float. I’m not admitting to doing that, but if I had it definitely hurt a lot.

Anyone an all knowing internet doctor with a cure for this awful disease? Right now I’m treating my case of curiosity with college, but that doesn’t seem to be helping.

Best Wishes,

Caitlin

What Would Ethics Do? or Should I Eat Ice Cream for Dinner?

We all face difficult ethical decisions during our lifetime. I know I personally often wish that someone would just tell me the right choice. Thankfully many people throughout history have been willing to do just that. Thanks to a new class on Ethical Dilemmas and Decision Making in Criminal Justice that I recently started I’ve learned new fancy terms for the ethical systems that have developed over time. Some of the book example are impractical to my life. To understand it better I’d like to apply some of these systems to an ethical dilemma I find particularly troubling. Should I eat ice cream for dinner? Let’s see what ethics thinks:

Ethics of Virtue

   According to this system if I’m a virtuous person I’ll basically do the right thing because of my virtuousness. I’m not sure that I’m bursting with virtue so that’s not super helpful. With a little more work I found what constitues “good” virtues. One of the virtues Aristotle discussed was temperance which is the balance between self indulgence and asceticism. Ice cream for dinner probably constitutes self indulgence so no ice cream for me under this code of ethics.

Natural Law Ethics

   This system believes that morals are inherent in nature (not human made) and can be discovered by reason. I’m not entirely a fan of this form of ethics because it’s often used for stupid reasons. For example people argue that because we have traditionally had heterosexual relationships it’s more natural and we shouldn’t have same-sex marriage. Which isn’t super factual anyways and homosexuality is all over nature. Hello, watch some animal porn… I mean planet, Animal Planet. But I can work the system just as well as anyone. Ice cream is natural because it’s produced with things found in nature and my natural instinct is to eat the ice cream so clearly that’s the right thing to do.

Continue reading

Life competency

           I’m freaking out. Why? Because I just ended that sentence with a preposition and started this one with the word because. Is that allowed? The angry green squiggly line in Word says no. I hate that line. If it possessed sentience I’d call it fat and insult its mother. Why do I even care? I care because my college has a writing competency exam that I’m required to pass. I’m a mix of terrified and annoyed. When did it become necessary to gain competence at anything? Life brims with incompetent idiots. I’m sure plenty of them obtained college degrees.

            I’d like to propose alternative competency tests. Since college began I’ve reached competency in a variety of ways. I’m competent at: microwaving stuff with instructions on it, running, living with a roommate, procrastinating, doing laundry, awkwardly patting shoulders, staying up irrationally late, texting, painting my nails, walking alone in the dark, not losing keys, finding TV episodes on the internet, playing Super Smash Bros., playing beer pong (sort of), power walking to class, and an assortment of other tasks.

            Where’s my credit for all of those skills? I’m feeling a tad underappreciated. Additionally, a lot of other competency tests should probably exist. Such as a parenting competency exam or a kindness competency exam. It could serve as a carfax but for people. Sort of like skill sets on video games. I’d be a level three cook, level six driver, and a level 99 speed reader. Maybe I want to be a Sim?  Mostly I just want motivational music and some sort of visible acknowledgment when I accomplish mundane tasks. The amount of epic in my life would greatly benefit. Right now my competency level in procrastinating would grow and an upbeat musical number would highlight my accomplishment. Since that’s not happening, I should probably return to my studies.

            Best of Luck,

Caitlin