Naked

An experiment with projective poetry that I started for my creative writing class. Inspired by the work of Robert Creeley.

Rocks indent

my skin, I heard

a train sound to

the night, goosebumps on flesh,


you say you like

it, I know.

Flesh keeps

no secrets.


I remember how

naked I felt, my clothes

in place, except the black

thong around my


ankle, stuck on my

heels, out of

place in the rocks.

This is a picnic,


under the optimistic stars.

The dark of summer night,

not deep

enough to shroud us,


looming deeper with time.

A red bra strap

peeks from my t-shirt,

seeing myself in squares,

small sections,


the mirror of a sun-visor.

The radio,

singing of love,

a hand reaches


out for a safe

harbour. It

finds nowhere

to anchor.

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How to say I like you

Words can be fun. This proves especially true when trying to describe romantic feelings. Personally I like to blush and stammer when discussing feelings. I imagine it’s endearing in a Zooey Deschanel in New Girl kind of way. The reality probably isn’t that smooth, but I’ll embrace denial.  Feelings are doomed to be awkward no matter what. Think of middle school where I asked if boys “likeliked” me or just “liked” me  which was entirely different and temporarily heart breaking. I haven’t gotten much better at expressing liking since middle school.  However, I have a new tool that I was lacking in middle school, the internet. Sometimes it helps me express feelings. For example this:

Cake!

I like cake and people, but in different ways.

This would work really well, except what does it really mean. I like you in a way that feeds my addictive habit, but I probably also hate you for enabling my poor life choices. That doesn’t seem like the ideal feeling. I enjoy the idea of comparing emotions to other things I like. This is doable. Here’s some “I like you like” situations that I’ve had in my life.

I like you like I like cake. This is much better than I like you like a fat person likes cake because cake and I have a pretty good relationship. I thoroughly enjoy cake. At least every once in awhile. It’s not really a relationship form of like. I don’t want cake every meal. That’d probably result in my being a fat person and completely change this simile.

I like you like I like nap time. This person is nice. Comforting and a generally good part of my day. Maybe not the part I tell stories about, but a part I enjoy. It’s a nice liking, but not a very sexy liking. Potentially a friend liking.

I like you like I like a really great outfit. This is a shallow liking. Generally summarizes feelings towards those people who are attractive but have very little else working in their favor. It’s fun to take this person out on the town, but when alone with them it’s that feeling of being all dressed up with nowhere to go.

I like you like I like a project. A really awful way to feel about someone. It’s that weird urge to fix people and make them better. As if I have any right to decide what constitutes better. I’m not proud of having felt this way. Dating people to change them is never a good idea. Some people do this consistently, driven by some constant need to help people who don’t want or need help.

I like you like I like a good book. Personally, this embodies my favorite type of liking. It piques curiosity and has many different feelings involved. Books fit many genres and move from touching to steamy with the flip of a page. I want to read all of the pages of this connection, then go back and read them again. Every experience is a word I want to soak in and ponder at my own leisure. The only downside of this liking is that I love to speed through books to find out what happens. Not exactly the best idea with people.

I love you like a love song. Just kidding, that’s Selena Gomez’s thing. Also the like word is scary enough and this post isn’t ready to go into love territory. I do however fully support listening to Selena Gomez’s song.

Some people think quoting Shakespeare is romantic, but I’m all about comparing my emotions for people towards my emotions for inanimate objects. I’m sure it’s quite healthy. I like you like I like people who read my blog. It’s a healthy and enjoyable kind of liking. I promise! What kind of likes have you experienced?

Best Wishes,

Caitlin

The awkwardness of classifying relationships

            It’s easy to introduce people as a friend, significant other, family member, or spouse. What about the many other forms of human relationships? I can’t be the only person who sometimes gets stumped trying to classify a relationship. It’s often a tricky matter and an awkward one. Who actually enjoys the “what are we” talk? Not me. There aren’t enough options. Relationships (I don’t just mean in the romantic sense) are complicated. I don’t know you’re life and can’t classify relationships for you, but I’ve compiled a list of possible relationship classifications to give us all more options. 

  • Fellow Humans <-this works in case of all fellow humans
  • Acquaintances <-someone you’ve met before (possibly a few times)
  • Hobby In Commoners <-someone you have some sort of hobby (I’m including books and movies in this) in common with and thus share a bond and possibly dialect
  • Co-workers <-someone with whom you share an employer and commiserate the misery of having employment
  • Fraternity/Sorority Brothers/Sisters <-someone with whom you did strange rituals, spent lots of time, and probably sing chants
  • Facebook Friends <-someone you’re friends with on Facebook
  • Internet Friends <-someone you talk to on the internet but not in real life
  • Friends <-someone whose life you are at least mildly interested in and whose company doesn’t make you hate the human race
  • Substance Friends <-someone you like while under the influence of a substance or for the purpose of obtaining a substance
  • Major Friends <-someone you talk to a lot because you’re in a bunch of classes together and need to complain about these classes or study for them (though complaining is probably more likely)
  • Skill Friends <-someone you’re friends with because they have a skill you like/want/need such as cooking or juggling bears
  • Twitter Friends <-someone you like enough to hear about minute details of his or her life in a limited amount of characters
  • Bros <-someone with whom you chill in a manly manner
  • Hos <-someone with whom you chill in a feminine manner
  • Best Friends <-someone you like without pretending and can be sarcastically mean to, usually a relationship full of inside jokes 
  • Super Friends <-someone you are friends with while wearing a cape
  • Friends with Benefits <-someone who you are friendly with and obtain benefits from of some sort (usually the semi-scandalous sort but other sorts of benefits exist too)
  • Test Run Friends<-someone you have the intention of dating but are currently still testing them out
  • Boy/Girl Toy <-someone who is fun to play with (hence the word toy)
  • Fuck Buddies <-someone who is a buddy with whom you fuck
  • Significant Others <-someone who you’ve agreed to be together alone with
  • Spouse <-someone you’re pledged to for life (with or without a piece of paper that says so)
  • Family <-someone you share bloodlines with not by choice but you love them anyways
  • Super Human Friends <-someone who used to be human such as a werewolf, vampire, or zombie who you’re still friends with despite supernatural maladies

Hopefully this helps define your relationships. Often relationships fall into multiple categories. Feel free to comment with additional classifications.

Best of Luck,

Caitlin

The stranger rule, or how to have minimum standards safely…Sort of

While we were in Canada, my friends and I had a conversation about picking up/hitting on strangers. This brought up my strange rule. It’s a great way to figure out if it’s wise* to hit on/pick up/whisper about a stranger. It’s the two stranges and you’re out rule, or three stranges rule depending on the level of desperation involved.

Here are some examples of stranges: stranger, strange place, strange substance, strange outfit, strange weapons, strange fetishes, strange behavior, or strange ideas.

Okay let’s look at some scenarios. I’m going to assume you’re desperate because you’re on the Internet and (probably) not currently in the process of picking up/hitting on someone. So three strikes you’re out rules apply.

1. Abbey is at a party and meets Joe. Joe is wearing a trench coat, carrying a machete, and belongs to a religious cult that worships potatoes. That is three strange strikes. I have nothing against potatoes, but come on.

2. Now Abbey is in a foreign country and on acid and meets a stranger. That’s also three strikes. Abbey is just not getting very lucky.

3. Abbey is in her town, with friends and meets a stranger who dresses normal and doesn’t worship inanimate objects. This is prime flirting material and passes the strange dating laws.

It’s really pretty simple. Most children learn stranger danger. This is strangeness danger which is much more effective. People are more likely to be hurt by someone they know. That’s why people you know can still disqualify under the strange policy. If you know Jeffrey Dahmer and are in your hometown, you still don’t date him because he has strange ideas, strange weapons, and strange fetishes.

This isn’t meant to hate on individuality. Exceptions exist, but at your own risk. Well, everything is at your own risk. I probably would be blocked by my own strange rule at times. That’s okay. The rule basically means get to know people. That way they become not strange… or more strange. Depends on the person. This really isn’t very good advice. You should watch some movies and learn how to have healthy successful interactions with your gender of attraction. I like Easy A.

Best of luck!

Caitlin

*It’s probably never wise to pick up strangers. I’m in no way guaranteeing your safety by using this rule. If you want guaranteed safety learn intense martial arts and then become bullet proof.

Why I wouldn’t date a muffin.

     I was at a party the other day and one of my friends said, “I’m just too nice of a guy.” Apparently this explained his lack of girlfriend and dating prospects. This led to the “why do nice guys finish last” conversation. I didn’t chime in then, but after giving it some thought I’ve reached a conclusion. It’s because no one likes cupcakes without frosting, but simply being a cupcake isn’t enough. There are plenty of cupcakes in the sea or I guess pantry…

What do I mean? Being nice is not a bonus. It is not like answering an extra credit question correctly. It does not earn your brownie points (okay, I might be a bit hungry while writing this post). Boys get really excited about being nice. Like it makes them the greatest person ever and you should immediately get all hot and bothered. Yeah, it doesn’t work that way.

Let’s say boys are cupcakes (just go with it). The quality of niceness is frosting. I expect some damn frosting on my cupcake. Or else it’s a muffin. I don’t want to date a muffin. Very few people want to date muffins unless they have unresolved Daddy issues or whatever other problems. Being nice is not sprinkles on said cupcake. Sprinkles are unexpected traits like a good sense of humor, super smoking abs, or intelligence. Stop advertising being nice as if it’s your gift to humanity. Being nice isn’t akin to being attractive. It is a vital part of being a decent human being.

Think about it. Your family is probably nice to you, but please don’t start dating them. Hopefully you’re friends are kind to you, but this doesn’t make them ideal date material either. As Napolean Dynamite would tell you, “girls like guys with skills.” (I keep using the girl to guy thing because I personally like guys, but I think this applies to any relationship). Having nice guys as your only selling point is kind of like using “hey, I’ve got a penis” as a pick up line. This won’t work that often. At least not when a date/relationship is the objective. All of the other cupcakes in the pantry have a penis too.  So continue being nice, but learn some skills. The Internet is full of how to articles ad videos. Do you even know how to make cupcakes? You should probably learn. Also, share some with me.

Best of Luck,

Caitlin