One of my favorite books as a child was The Puppy Who Wanted a Boy. It tells the tale of an adorable puppy that wants a boy for Christmas. I love that book. SPOILER ALERT: It’s great because the puppy finds a whole group of boys that love him for himself. I want to talk about how the modern world makes it hard for the puppy to be loved.
Mostly, I blame Facebook. Facebook ridiculously complicates the process of meeting new people. In the Facebook age the boys would probably add the puppy, find out he likes some movie they hate and not be his friend. Or maybe the puppy had a bad hair day, someone tagged him a photo and now they don’t think he’s as adorable. Or maybe the puppy has one picture in which he looks a tad intoxicated and the boys think the puppy isn’t qualified to be their puppy despite his undeniable cuteness and people skills.
The poor puppy probably feels exhausted from constantly catering to the digital celebrity that everyone deals with today. Don’t get me wrong. I love Facebook. It’s great for sharing information with friends and family. It’s significantly less great as a resume. I’m not just talking about employers looking at Facebook (though that happens). People use Facebook to decide if someone is friend/date/lover/co-worker/partner in crime/whatever material. It’s not healthy. People possess a complexity that Facebook just can’t capture.
The way people look on paper (or in this case, computer screen) differs from how that person exists in real life. You know, real life, that thing that happens while people aren’t on Facebook. I’m not addressing this issue from a morally superior level. I Facebook creep. However, I’m going to try and stop. It leads to people shopping. Maybe I’ll be one person’s friend because Facebook says that person likes dogs and the other person likes cats. Everyone knows dogs are cooler. This is true, but a ridiculous tidbit on which to base a friendship. Maybe the cat person is the love of your life and the dog person is a vampire who only likes puppies because they’re delicious. It’s a crazy world out there.
So I vote we stop. Stop treating Facebook like the Classifieds. I’m giving up reading someone’s about me section before talking to that someone. I want to live in a world where the puppy finds his boy.
Sometimes I do things because my friends are doing those things. I’m not sure why people find this to be such an awful idea. The saying, “would you jump off a cliff if all of your friends were?” makes no sense to me. Of course I would. If my friends were jumping off cliffs there’s probably a giant trampoline at the bottom. Or we have jet packs. Some of my friends are pretty smart. Who the heck are your friends? Bella Swan? Don’t follow her off a cliff. Self-endangerment is not the best method to attract men/women/the undead*. I’d sooner advise using Snooki as a role model and dress like a slut.
Some examples of stuff I do because my friends do: make pasta, go out to eat, bowl, finish my homework, watch Pretty Little Liars, or read stuff they like on Facebook. None of these are bad things. I’m concerned about people’s ability to wisely pick friends. If you don’t like the things your friends do, maybe you should get some new friends. I hear Facebook is a great place to find them. Feel free to add me as a friend, though I don’t promise to be a good influence.
Best of luck,
*Upon reflection, self endangerment may be a great way to attract the undead. Like slit your throat and vampires would probably flock to you. This is still a bad plan because most vampires aren’t hot. Edward is not attractive. You’re confused by the media. Google Paul Walker, Brad Pitt, or Shemar Moore. You’re welcome.
I’m not going to hate on Valentine’s Day. I’m pretty indifferent to its existence. The dumb posts on Facebook asking friends to inbox you a number on the other hand are super annoying. It makes me want to create a punch enhancement to the poke feature. If you’re going to request I inbox you, it should be about something important. If I liked you, I’d hit on you in person. Or poke you like a normal human being. If you’re too shy to message me without the excuse of Valentine’s Day posts, you should probably man up. Instead of posting this:
So considering valentines day is coming. Post this as your status & see what number people inbox you, 🙂
1- second chance </3
2- your cute :]
3- kiss :*
4- better friendship :]
… … 5- chill , ♥
6- cuddle :xx
7- long term relationship ♥
8- an apology
9- a hug :3 ♥
10- I like you ! :-[
11- I’m crushing on you ♥
12- I dislike you
13- I love you :]
14- will you be my Valentine ? ♥
Which contains a bunch of lame options. Where’s “I’ll make out with you if nothing good is on TV” and “I’ll Facebook creep on you for the rest of my life.” What kind of relationships do these people have? I support posting something like this.
THE WORLDS IS ENDING
Considering the world may come to an end. Post this as you status and see who to hang out with before meeting your doom. Inbox me, and then post this as your status or killer baby clowns will eat you.
- I’d trip you if zombies were chasing us.
- I’d endanger you’re life for a Twinkie or a trip to the amusement park if zombies were chasing us. (Yes, this is a Zombieland reference.)
- I think vampires are sexy and would be no use if they started taking over the world.
- I know Doctor Who and could save you if some sort of alien attack occurs.
- I’m a huge nerd. Maybe you haven’t looked at me before, but once robots start taking over I’ll use my gigantic brain to save your life.
- I live in a bubble and will share said bubble with you in the case of a deadly plague.
- I own one of those really expensive underground bunkers.
- I suppose I’d sleep with you if we were the last two people on Earth and it was the only way to save the human race, but I’d probably keep my eyes closed.
- I’ll use the end of the world as a great excuse to try and get laid. Have I told you how hot you are?
- I’m a huge redneck and will use my many illegally purchased weapons to protect you.
- I’m saintly. So I’ll put in a good word for your soul when the Apocalypse comes.
- I realize the Mayan calendar panic is ridiculous, but hey, want to go out on Valentine’s Day?
Best of luck!