How To Answer “What Are You Doing After Graduation?”

My college graduation day is quickly looming closer. Apparently at some point I started accumulating enough credits to end up with a degree and that seems to signal it’s time to leave. Now I need a plan. A life plan. At least that seems to be expected. I’m sure I’m not the only person who announces impending graduation and than constantly is queried about future plans. I’m tired of awkwardly trying to succinctly summarize my possible options/pretending I actually know what I’m doing. In case anyone can relate, here are my top ten answers to inspire awe and jealousy in family and friends/end the interrogation.

Answers To What Are You Doing After College

Going to Hogwarts!

Okay I'm getting tired of the "keep calm" posters, but I love anything Harry Potter unconditionally.

Okay I’m getting tired of the “keep calm” posters, but I love anything Harry Potter unconditionally.

Tell people you are going to Hogwarts. Really sell it by sending yourself an acceptance letter. Try this website. Don’t worry about not being eleven. They can make a letter look like it was lost in transit (Owl transit of course).

Becoming a Vampire Slayer

Someone needs to kill Edward Cullen.

Someone needs to kill Edward Cullen.

I’m going to be honest, I double dip this answer. I also use it to explain what I’m going to do with my criminal justice degree. If this seems too ambitious the answer may be modified to watching all of the episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on repeat.

 Becoming A Professional Nail Polish Namer

Want to know the toenail polish I’m wearing is called? Houston we have a purple. If you understand both terrible puns and alliteration, you can handle this job. I found a whole blog dedicated to bad nail polish names. Taking on the career might be doing the world a service.

Reading All of the Books

Reading is my happy place.

Reading is my happy place.

This is a totally plausible plan. All it requires is a library. It would take a long time to read a whole library worth of books.

Netflixing

netflixing

Netflix has over 50,000 movies and shows. Someone needs to rate them all. If might as well be you. You could even claim non-profit status. This is an important world service.

Marrying Rich

Gilmore Girls always knows the best way to handle life.

In the interest of progression I would like to point out this is a valid option for both boys and girls.

Taking over the World

Watch out for those shiny things.

Watch out for those shiny things.

The bonus of this answer is that most sane people don’t harass anyone who declares a desire for world domination. Don’t worry, this doesn’t require being evil. Feel free to be a benevolent world ruler.

Getting Pregnant and Collecting Child Support

Unlike many of my other plans that are inspired by the books and television, this plan is musically inspired. I enjoy listening to rap music when physically punishing my body with jogging. One of my favorite artists for exercise purposes is Kanye. Kanye West’s song “Gold Digger” triggered this plan. In case you haven’t heard it. Here’s the most inspiring segment.

18 years, 18 years
She got one of your kids, got you for 18 years
I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids
His baby mamma’s car and crib is bigger than his
You will see him on TV any given Sunday
Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundai
She was supposed to buy your shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money
Should’ve got that insured got GEICO for your money, money, money
If you ain’t no punk holla we want prenup
WE WANT PRENUP! Yeah

Doing Something Vaguely Awesome

I have this posted on my bedroom wall.

I have this posted on my bedroom wall.

There is magic in being vague. As long as the answer is delivered with confidence it woks. If someone asks what doing epic shit means, just repeat epic shit. You could be saving the world or you could be recovering from eating Taco Bell. Nobody will know because of the magic of being vague.

If anyone begins to question your plans simply turn the table. It doesn’t matter how old someone is, nobody knows what they’re doing. If I’m wrong and you do know what you’re doing, let me know how you worked that out.

Best Wishes,

Caitlin

Letters of angst and anger

     Sometimes people make me mad. I like to deal with this by threatening to write angry letters. However, I never follow through. This is mostly because I get distracted by a shiny object and forget I’m mad. However I’m very upset with my school’s dining services for messing up my vegetarian food options. So I wrote them a dissatisfied letter. That letter wasn’t super fun because I didn’t want to be mean. In the spirit of fun and mean, I decided to write some of the angry letters I’ve threatened to send over the years. Here’s how they would go.

 

Dear whoever is sending emails asking if I’m stressed,

     Why yes, I am. My stress is mostly a result of the ten million emails you send me trying to get me to go to stress management workshops. I have more important things to do with my life. I need to write this blog. Also, Pretty Little Liars is on tonight. So please stop reminding me how stressed I am.

 

Dear person on a Bluetooth headset,

     Stop looking at me like I’m insane when I think you’re talking to me. I’m not the crazy one hearing voices in my head. You are. Also, you look dumb. I’m guessing that was obvious but in case no one ever told you, I’ll be that kind soul. You look slightly demented chatting to the air. If you’re really important and on some call that saves the world or something, I’m sorry for calling you dumb. Though if you’re busy saving the world you probably shouldn’t be reading my blog…

 

Dear professor who can’t use Power Points properly,

     Fun fact: I can read. Quite well actually. I’m even aware that the statement prior to this sentence is a fragment. I don’t care, but I am aware. With my wonderful reading powers I can understand all of those words on your Power Point. This makes you reading the words to me again both redundant and incredibly boring. Please don’t put me to sleep. Don’t write a whole lecture on Power Point slides. Just say no to mind numbing Power Points. Take that speech class all of the students are required to pass.

 

Dear admissions office at Hogwarts,

     I’m still peeved I never got a letter. What’s that about? Did my owl get lost? Maybe you should start using email or get a website. I wouldn’t even use my magical powers to blow up relatives or free zoo animals. Well, unless they were in really tiny cages. That’s just too sad. So, I might free zoo animals. No pudding floating though, and I probably wouldn’t fly a car. If I did, I’d use ninja-like sneakiness. Do you accept transfer students?

 

Dear cropped tops,

     Why are you so popular? I’m not sure where whoever decided this trend lives, but I can’t walk around in half a t-shirt on a normal day. It’s not that I don’t like my stomach. I do. I have abs of semi regularly worked out muscle. They could probably stop a paintball. However, not everyone wants to see my abs. I’m not sure why, but it’s true. So, please make shirts normal lengths again. I’d greatly appreciate it. Also, leggings still aren’t pants. Just FYI world.

 

Dear scientists,

     I would politely like to inquire when we (the general population) can expect flying cars. Soon? Soonish? I know this will completely ruin any chance I’ve got at a good hair day, but I’m willing to sacrifice style for a flying car. Can we get someone working on those? Think how fun it’d be to take pet birds out for a fly or to avoid awful traffic. Fly in movie theatres would be amazing. I understand we’re having a fuel crisis. I suppose you can work on green fuel first, but personally I’d be more motivated to live green if I had a flying car. I’d look down on all of the beautiful nature and never forget to recycle ever again. Think about it.

Dear mean people,

     You suck. Being mean isn’t cool. It was never cool. It will never be cool. So yeah, stop that. 

 

      Okay this out pouring of angst made me feel much better. I’ll write a post of nice letters sometime to counter all of the annoyances in this one. Today was a day of pet peeves. I think it’s a Monday trait. I’m going to go do fun, happy things now. 

Best Wishes,

Caitlin

Image

The image is from here.