Street Kitty: the Anthem of my Cat

Warning: I use/cross out offensive language…

I heard a rumor that the internet loves cats. I also love cats and specifically love my cat, Luna. My roommate and I adopted Luna on a $5 adoption day. Who doesn’t love a sale? Who does’t love adopting pets? That wasn’t rhetorical, the answer is bad people. Bad people don’t like sales and pets. Luna decided she needed a theme song because apparently singing na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Kitty Cat wasn’t enough. Unfortunately, I have no musical ability so I’m adapting part of the lyrics to “Rack City.” This isn’t an endorsement of Rack City’s lyrics, I’m changing those, that’s kind of the point. I just like the beat.

Here’s the inspiration behind the song:

Luna

My cat, Luna, shows me who is boss.

“Rack City” Street Kitty

[Intro:]
Rack, rack, city bitch, city bitch Street, street, kitty bitch, kitty bitch
Rack, rack, rack city bitch, city bitch, rack Street, street, street kitty bitch, kitty bitch, street
Rack, rack, rack city bitch, city bitch Street, street, street kitty bitch, street kitty
Mutha on the beat Get her off the street
Hah! Hah[Verse 1:]
Rack city bitch, rack, rack city bitch Street kitty bitch, street, street kitty bitch
Ten ten ten twenties on ya titties bitch five five five stringies for my kitty bitch
100 deep V.I.P. no guest list kindred peeps, B.F.F. no unrest
T-Raw you don’t know who you fucking with? No pet law! don’t know who you fronting with
Got my other bitch fucking with my other bitch One after another, purring with my silly pet
Fucking all night nigga we ain’t celibate Playing all night, huggin, we ain’t sleepy yet
Make it sound too dope I ain’t selling it Play a bit around, ain’t overselling it
Bar fresher than a motherfucking peppermint Nothin’ better than a kitty-hugging regiment
Gold Letterman last kings killing shit Solid sentiment, adopt a kitty bitch
Young money young money yeah we getting rich Young kitty, young kitty, yeah we getting it
I Got ya grandma on my dick (ha ha) I got ya grandma a kitty pic (ha)
Girl you know what it is Kitty love is what it is

[Hook: x2]
Rack city bitch, rack, rack, city bitch [x3] Street kitty bitch, street, street kitty bitch

Ten, ten, ten, twenties and the fifties bitch five five five stringies for my kitty bitch*
*Lyrics were found on http://www.azlyrics.com
Sing it while listening to the uncensored version (it goes from the beginning to about 1:30) for an embarrassing, but hopefully enjoyable time. I can’t add an audio otherwise I promise I would. I’m sure your rap voice is prettier than mine.
Best Wishes,
Caitlin

How To Answer “What Are You Doing After Graduation?”

My college graduation day is quickly looming closer. Apparently at some point I started accumulating enough credits to end up with a degree and that seems to signal it’s time to leave. Now I need a plan. A life plan. At least that seems to be expected. I’m sure I’m not the only person who announces impending graduation and than constantly is queried about future plans. I’m tired of awkwardly trying to succinctly summarize my possible options/pretending I actually know what I’m doing. In case anyone can relate, here are my top ten answers to inspire awe and jealousy in family and friends/end the interrogation.

Answers To What Are You Doing After College

Going to Hogwarts!

Okay I'm getting tired of the "keep calm" posters, but I love anything Harry Potter unconditionally.

Okay I’m getting tired of the “keep calm” posters, but I love anything Harry Potter unconditionally.

Tell people you are going to Hogwarts. Really sell it by sending yourself an acceptance letter. Try this website. Don’t worry about not being eleven. They can make a letter look like it was lost in transit (Owl transit of course).

Becoming a Vampire Slayer

Someone needs to kill Edward Cullen.

Someone needs to kill Edward Cullen.

I’m going to be honest, I double dip this answer. I also use it to explain what I’m going to do with my criminal justice degree. If this seems too ambitious the answer may be modified to watching all of the episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on repeat.

 Becoming A Professional Nail Polish Namer

Want to know the toenail polish I’m wearing is called? Houston we have a purple. If you understand both terrible puns and alliteration, you can handle this job. I found a whole blog dedicated to bad nail polish names. Taking on the career might be doing the world a service.

Reading All of the Books

Reading is my happy place.

Reading is my happy place.

This is a totally plausible plan. All it requires is a library. It would take a long time to read a whole library worth of books.

Netflixing

netflixing

Netflix has over 50,000 movies and shows. Someone needs to rate them all. If might as well be you. You could even claim non-profit status. This is an important world service.

Marrying Rich

Gilmore Girls always knows the best way to handle life.

In the interest of progression I would like to point out this is a valid option for both boys and girls.

Taking over the World

Watch out for those shiny things.

Watch out for those shiny things.

The bonus of this answer is that most sane people don’t harass anyone who declares a desire for world domination. Don’t worry, this doesn’t require being evil. Feel free to be a benevolent world ruler.

Getting Pregnant and Collecting Child Support

Unlike many of my other plans that are inspired by the books and television, this plan is musically inspired. I enjoy listening to rap music when physically punishing my body with jogging. One of my favorite artists for exercise purposes is Kanye. Kanye West’s song “Gold Digger” triggered this plan. In case you haven’t heard it. Here’s the most inspiring segment.

18 years, 18 years
She got one of your kids, got you for 18 years
I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids
His baby mamma’s car and crib is bigger than his
You will see him on TV any given Sunday
Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundai
She was supposed to buy your shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money
Should’ve got that insured got GEICO for your money, money, money
If you ain’t no punk holla we want prenup
WE WANT PRENUP! Yeah

Doing Something Vaguely Awesome

I have this posted on my bedroom wall.

I have this posted on my bedroom wall.

There is magic in being vague. As long as the answer is delivered with confidence it woks. If someone asks what doing epic shit means, just repeat epic shit. You could be saving the world or you could be recovering from eating Taco Bell. Nobody will know because of the magic of being vague.

If anyone begins to question your plans simply turn the table. It doesn’t matter how old someone is, nobody knows what they’re doing. If I’m wrong and you do know what you’re doing, let me know how you worked that out.

Best Wishes,

Caitlin

How To Not Write

Some tasks it’s easy to not do. I easily not murder people because I don’t feel any inclination to do so (usually). Writing is a different beast. I love writing. At least sort of. I’ve heard quotes along the lines of hating writing, but loving having written. The moment a story is finished isn’t my favorite part of writing. My favorite time is when I have an idea I love and I’m just about to start my project. There is so much potential in that moment. The story exists vividly in my head. I’ve written pieces I love, but never felt I fully transferred that vision in my head to paper.

This tends to cause me to stretch out that moment before the actual writing takes place, but I feel too guilty if I completely avoid the writing. I went to Catholic school as a child and developed quite a tendency for good old fashioned motivational guilt. I’ve learned to assuage this guilt and still avoid accomplishing writing. Here are my favorite ways to work on writing without writing.

Top Five Guilt Free Ways to Not Write

1. Research Your Story

This is the best way to go because it’s actually necessary. It can also easily end up leading to a journey into strange corners of the internet. For a fantasy piece I was writing I needed to research how far a person can travel on horseback in a day in order to come up with reasonable distances my character could travel. The question wasn’t as easy to answer as I hoped. I usually start my research with the laziest method possible and enter my question into google. I spent too much time on a trail started by a Yahoo! Answers. I learned about different amazing horse races that happen all over the world and ended up watching Hidalgo instead of accomplishing much writing, but I did eventually find the info I needed.

2. Research Writing

This is my go to way to avoid writing. I love reading about writing. I know I’ve done this quite a few times because I save most of my research on writing to Pinterest. Feel free to check out my writing board to prompt your own guilt free writing procrastination. Two of my favorites are the pin about Stephen King quotes on writing and Neil Gaiman’s writing rules. I love both authors. I also love Pinterest. You never know when you’ll come across information you might want later and Pinterest is a great place to save it.

3. Read Good Writing

As if I really need an excuse to read more books. I truly believe reading can improve your writing. There are different ways to interpret what constitutes “good” writing. What I believe is good writing doesn’t matter. Read what inspires you. Read to remember the magical power letters have when arranged in a pleasing manner.

4. Read Bad Writing

Bad writing helps me in two ways. First, it’s a good reminder of what not to do. Maybe the writing is bad because it’s sexist or lacking any sensible grammer. Notice what you don’t like and decide not to do it. The second way it helps me is by giving me a bit of an ego boost. Writing takes guts. If someone else can put bad work out their, I can share what I write. Heck, sometimes not so great writing even sells. I’m thinking Twilight here. What is the worst that can happen. You write something bad and people don’t like it. Who cares? You just disliked someone else’s writing and everyone is leaving the situation unscathed. Maybe you even learned a lesson or two.

5. Seek Inspiration

This is the easiest way. Do exactly what you would do on a normal day. Convince yourself that living life is the best way to gain inspiration for your writing. Those three hours of watching reality television in your pajamas could inspire the next great American (or whateverican) novel.

6… A bonus sixth option is writing a blog post about how you aren’t writing. At least there will be an end product.

What to you do when you don’t want to write but probably should be writing? I could always use more ideas.

Best Wishes,

Caitlin

Terrible and Disturbing Things are in this Post

If you decided to read this article after looking at the title then we probably suffer from a similar condition. The layman’s term for this condition is curiosity. Curiosity is very dangerous. I have it on good authority that curiosity is wanted on murder charges.

You deserve this terrible pun for reading my article despite the warning in the title. I didn’t create this image I believe it’s from this blog http://sillikat.tumblr.com/.

So far curiosity hasn’t murdered me, but it certainly causes me problems. Curiosity first became troubling in elementary school. Kids have especially cruel techniques for picking on each other and one of the most common is when a whole group is laughing about some inside joke and won’t share. Being the curious child I was, I always wanted to know. I never seemed to believe people if they told me I didn’t want to know something. Sometimes I should have. Other kids definitely told me things I wasn’t ready to know. Friend’s with older siblings seem to know the most. It was a bit traumatizing when I learned Santa wasn’t real and even more traumatizing when I learned what Shaggy was denying in “It Wasn’t Me.” I sang that song for weeks!

I wish I could ask my younger self what I thought this meant.

My issues with curiosity only worsened as I gained internet access. The internet is full of information I wish I didn’t know. Watching videos of the food industry turned me into a vegetarian (there are other factors, but that definitely played a large role). Just yesterday I clicked on an article about the worst ways people are executed. Why would I need to know this information? I don’t know. Still, I read it and it was gross. Ridiculously gross. You’re probably thinking how gross can it be. You’re thinking that because you have a problem. I’m an enabler so I’ll let you read it for yourself.

My relationship with curiosity isn’t solely mental abuse. There has been physical pain. My tongue suffers from curiosity and often thinks, “I wonder how hot this food or drink item I just heated up and made hot actually is.” Then I burn it. A burnt tongue is a miserable experience. Most of the time I don’t even register my tongue’s existence, but it sure is annoying when it’s in pain. I also may have jumped off a jungle gym with an umbrella because I was curios if I would float. I’m not admitting to doing that, but if I had it definitely hurt a lot.

Anyone an all knowing internet doctor with a cure for this awful disease? Right now I’m treating my case of curiosity with college, but that doesn’t seem to be helping.

Best Wishes,

Caitlin

In Case Of

In one of my high school classes that was supposed to prepare me for the “real world,” I was given the documentation for creating a living will. For anyone with a different education than my own, a living will is basically a document that declares a person’s wishes regarding life prolonging medical treatment. It was a rather macabre idea and always stuck with me. I was reminded of the idea again during a particularly moving episode of a TV show I’m watching that I’m too embarrassed to name (Grey’s Anatomy). My main problem with a living will is that it doesn’t cover enough situations. There are many scenarios I’m more concerned about than needing prolonged medical treatment. I’d like to make my own living will so that everyone knows what I want in any given situation. I call it the In Case Of Will. 

In Case of Secrets

If you are a spy and you can’t tell me because it would endanger my life, I would want you to keep the secret. I would also want cool gifts from all of the places you go. You’re a spy, you can figure it out.

On a different hand, if you have magical abilities and don’t tell me I will never forgive you. Ever.  Continue reading

My Quest to Being an Informed Person

Step 1: Naively Decide I Want to Be Informed

In my head, informed people read newspapers and watch intelligent news shows while eating a balanced breakfast and practicing yoga. Which sounds alright but isn’t why I want to be informed. On an extrinsic level I’m participating in an debate program that makes it necessary. Intrinsically I simply enjoy knowing everything. It’s like being the person with the most secrets. In Pretty Little Liars world I am “A.”

Step 2: Read Shit

I consider buying an actual newspaper but they’re shape is awkward and stupid. Maybe my arms are too short or I’m doing it wrong but I don’t enjoy reading the physical newspaper. I turn to the internet instead; bonus points, it’s free. Start with most popular articles. Question why in the world are the most popular articles so popular while simultaneously realizing how quickly the internet has killed my attention span.

Step 3: Read Shorter Shit

Newspaper articles are long. I quit after the first article that makes me click to another page. Please, get to your point already. A few articles are interesting enough to merit multiple pages, but most aren’t. So I revise my strategy and decide to use Twitter to obtain my desired informed status. No one can be boring in that few characters. Turns out this isn’t true, but Twitter works out a little bit better.

Step 4: Realize I Know Nothing

Gain a false sense of confidence by only following a US newspaper. Add in some international news like Al Jazeera or the Economist. I know nothing! Why are there countries I didn’t know exist? What are all of these strange names? How the heck do foreign people pronounce things?

Step 4: Attempt to Know More Things

Set out to learn the locations of countries. Realize there are 196 of them. Try to make learning more fun and less daunting. Take this Sporcle quiz on countries. Do absolutely awful. Maybe the where isn’t that important anyways. Keep reading news and concentrate on the what.

Step 5: Become Jaded

web cartoon

Often I feel like the woman in this cartoon. The news is all death, economic doom, and Honey Boo Boo.

Step 6: Drown Sorrows

Decide everything will be okay because I have ice cream and a NetFlix subscription. Shut out the nasty world until it gets its act together. Reflect on the true bliss of ignorance. Write a blog post instead of reading more news.

Step 7: Self Deceit

Wait until a new day then hope that news is better. Repeat steps 1-7.

If anyone’s got better strategies on staying informed I’d love to hear them.

Best of Luck,

Caitlin

Things I would rather fund than a presidential campaign

The internet often inspires some of my crazier thoughts. This post is inspired by Twitter. More specifically, this tweet: “Hey, IRS: Instead of a checkbox for WOULD YOU LIKE DONATE TO THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN FUND, can we get GIVE MONEY TO NASA FOR AWESOME SHIT” I saw retweeted by author Laurell K. Hamilton and originally posted by @ragebauer. So here’s a list of things I’d rather fund than a presidential campaign.

 

NASA doing more cool stuff. There’s a rover on Mars! That’s ridiculously awesome.

Zombie Apocalypse preparedness training.

Everyone who is so adamant about the right to own a gun better learn how to use it against zombies.

New seasons of shows that shouldn’t have been cancelled. Most importantly Firefly.

Cheap healthy food. I like my fruits and vegetables thank you very much.

Theme music occurring in real life. Epic aspects of life would increase exponentially in fun.

Iron Man. Why aren’t superheroes real? Someone must be filthy rich and in possession of a mask.

Time travel. Apparently this isn’t possible according to current physics understanding, but I’m willing to overlook physics.

George R. R. Martin writing faster.

More self-checkouts at stores. I hate buying awkward things in front of a cashier. Yes, I do want chocolate, ice-cream, tampons, and this trashy romance novel. Thanks for the judgmental look.

A program to create a sexy new American accent.

Self-washing clothes.

Cosmopolitan for men.

Conversion to the metric system.

Go USA we will not give into peer pressure or common sense.

Bringing back the dinosaurs. I want a pet velociraptor.

Miniature versions of bigger things. Because the Earth possesses limited space and resources. Also, petite lap giraffes. I want one.

Everything is cuter in miniature.

An equation for the perfect chip to dip ratio.

A campaign to make the world a better place by refusing to start anything before 10 a.m.

Finally someone who understand real world issues.

A 24 hour help hot-line for older generations trying to use technology. Someone deserves to get paid for helping these people instead of it creating family strife when children have to explain the use of Facebook.

A teleportation device. As an out of state student I’d really appreciate this technology. Good-bye long car drives.

Creation of a universal language. Ideally one that makes more sense than English or Chinese.

Public napping spaces. Basically I support a well rested country.

 

There you have it. That’s how I’d like my money spent. Feel free to encourage me to run for political office. Personally I’d like to be a Texas Ranger or a Slayer. What causes would you support financially?

Best wishes,

Caitlin