Talking to inanimate objects

A friend brought up in conversation on Facebook chat that it’s weird when I talk to inanimate objects. So I said to my computer screen, “Really, doesn’t everyone do that?” My computer screen declined comment, but I don’t think I’m the only person who talks to inanimate objects. I’ve witnessed plenty of people yelling at inanimate objects that aren’t working. I do that too, but I like to mix it up and dole out compliments when warranted. For example the other night the underside of my pillow was refreshingly cold during the hot summer heat and I thanked it for the good work. Is that really so strange? I’m pretty sure as a child I was encouraged to talk to inanimate objects because I certainly talked more than any real person wanted to listen. That last sentence was me laying the foundation to blame society if everyone decides I am indeed crazy.  In my quest to decipher how crazy I am, I’m asking the internet (which is basically a black hole of crazy) if my conversations with inanimate objects are super strange. Here’s some instances that prompt me to converse with non-humans.

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Aside

Love lessons from Netflix

Dating people is like choosing what to watch on Netflix. Seriously. Maybe I’m doing one of them wrong, but I think they’re quite comparable. Both tend to make people fatter and more likely to spend the night in instead of going out with friends. Each requires looking at a bunch of options, taking in the available data, and then hoping for the best. I’m not incredibly successful at dating, but I’m great at Netflix. We’ve been together for almost six months now and we’re quite happy. So I’m going to apply some of my rules for choosing what to watch on Netflix to my dating life and see how that goes. Here’s the new rules:

Nobody has perfect reviews. 

When I first got Netflix I’d read a ridiculous amount of reviews about each movie before I watched it. What a huge waste of time. Just because someone else does or doesn’t like a movie has little bearing on how I’ll feel. Now if a bunch of people said the movie was a cheating jerk, that’s probably true. However, one bad review isn’t the end of the world. Not everyone who writes reviews has very good taste. In the words of Hannah Montana, “everybody makes mistakes.”

It’s okay to have guilty pleasures.

If watching Vampire Diaries on Netflix makes me happy, I’m going to watch Vampire Diaries. Go ahead and judge me. I don’t care. It’s perfectly fine to enjoy Vampire Diaries for its steamy goodness. As long as I remember that Vampire Diaries is a guilty pleasure and not a show I’m taking home to meet my parents everything ends happily ever after.

If the movie sucks, turn if off.

There are millions of shows in the proverbial sea, well, internet. If I’m watching a movie and it starts out awful the chances of the movie realizing I’m a great viewer and it should shape up its act are slim. Go back to browsing. There are too many movies and my time is to valuable to sit around watching something I don’t enjoy.

Keep stuff in your instant queue.

I’m not encouraging television whoredom, well maybe I am. Just because I’ve found one television show I like doesn’t mean all other television shows cease to exist. LOST and I dated for awhile. Everything was great. I thought we were happy together. Then the last season came out and I wished we had never met. I loved and lost. It was not better than never loving at all. Good thing instant queue was there with a dose of Dr. Who and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

No good choices occur after midnight.

If a Netflix show only holds appeal after midnight when an empty bed reminds me that a life forever alone with cats would suck because I’m really a dog person and cats aren’t that loving once they stop being kittens, I probably shouldn’t watch it. Morning will come. Waking up to the sound of construction and looking all bleary eyed at the judgmental laptop lying next to me is not my ideal morning.

That’s the new rules. Hopefully it works. If not, I recently discovered Mad Men so at least Netflix and I will remain happily together.

Best of Luck,

Caitlin