My murder confession

            This afternoon an itty-bitty spider crawled near me and I crushed it with my shoe. Upon reflection, I feel really bad about this senseless act of violence. Why can’t I accomplish a state of Zen and higher thinking that supersedes my need to crush life out of fear? I don’t want fear to control me. I wish I could sleep with my limbs dangling over the side of my bed without an irrational fear of monsters.

            However, I can’t. Reason only goes so far. Spiders are much scarier than monsters, and a lot more documentation exists proving their existence. They’re actually quite helpful. They eat lots of harmful bugs, produce useful silk, and do some creepy and yet bad ass tasks like bring other bugs back to life and produce emeralds (at least that’s what the internet tells me). So why can’t I like them? I’ve tried. Really.

            I’ve even let tarantulas crawl on me in an effort to conquer my fear. It mostly resulted in a lot of shaking and near panicked giggling. The spiders being good have very little impact on my feelings toward them. Even if the monsters that come out in night are like those from Monster’s Inc. I still don’t want them in my room. Spiders are so much worse. Mostly because they’ve got too many legs. What the heck do you do with that many legs? Eww I just pictured a spider karma sutra. Gross. Anyways, the fear runs too deep. I’m a wimp. Not a completely hopeless one, but a wimp all the same. Like Ron Weasley, I’d probably follow the spiders if necessary to help save a friend, but I certainly wouldn’t like it. A lot of whining would ensue.  

            The spider I crushed probably just wanted a tan. It was a lovely day. Maybe she has darling children and is an upstanding member of society. Or she might be wanted for spider treason because she overthrew an evil spider tyrant. Or she could’ve been an evil spider tyrant. I don’t know. Whatever she was I ended her future potential because of my silly fear. Which is sad. What if she was going to someday become genetically mutated, bite a human and produce Spider-man? I love Spider-man. I really don’t want to be responsible for his lack of existence. However, I don’t have a time machine so the best I can do is strive for amends.

            I’m sorry. I’m so sorry dear spider. In the future I’ll endeavor to simply move spiders out of my immediate vicinity. Live and let live will be my new spider motto. Your death will save future generations of spiders. I hope that’s a small consolation. Our brief encounter has taught me a greater respect for life. All life. I don’t care about a beings species, sexual orientation, gender, race, number of appendages, hair color, amount of tattoos, or cultural upbringing. I can’t promise to like you, but I promise not to smash you with the bottom of my shoe. Hopefully, that’s progress.

Best of luck,

Caitlin

P.S. The creepy spider image is from here.

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Why I would kill Harry Potter.

           I waitress during the summer and sometimes this led to a lot of downtime with interesting coworkers. Which I why we used to play this game called Marry, Fuck, or Kill*. Basically you name three people and the persons whose turn it is has to “choose” which person to marry, which person to fuck, and which person to kill. It’s rather awkward to play when using the names of people you know, but can tell you a lot about people when using fictional characters or celebrities. This is a great first date question.

Here’s an example game with Harry Potter characters. The contestants are Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Draco Malfoy**. Since I provided spoilers in the title, I’ll explain my decision in regards to Harry first. I would kill Harry Potter. I feel awful just for typing that sentence. I love Harry and appreciate that he saved the world, but he’s not boyfriend or one nightstand material.

Harry has some personal issues to deal with before dating anyone. Broody and moody holds a certain allure, but it wears off pretty quickly in real life. I’d rather have a happy boyfriend. I feel like Harry does a lot of man pms-ing. Remember when he dated Cho? What a mess. This is part of why he’d be a poor one-night stand. He’d definitely text constantly the next day and overanalyze everything. Plus he’s pretty self-conscious which probably equates to not great in bed.

That leaves Ron and Draco. I’d definitely marry Ron. I can overlook his lack of soul, nobody’s perfect. Hopefully we don’t have ginger children. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone, they better make you smile. Plus I’d love to marry into the Weasley family. That leaves sleeping with Draco. In the words of Ron, Draco can be a bit of a git, but I don’t think he’d be an awful one-night stand. He’s quite cocky and I bet his parents bought him a really comfortable mattress. Sometimes girls just have to go for bad boys. There’s no logic to it. It’d be good to get it out of my system before settling down with Ron.

See, wasn’t that a fascinating first date conversation? I’d love to hear your picks in the comments.

Best wishes,

Caitlin

*A more PG version of this game is date, dump, or kiss, but I’m 20 yrs old and over the whole PG thing. If my swearing offends you, you can click the little “x” on the corner of this page and the bad words will go away.

** Good female contestants would be Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, and Ginny Weasley.

***This game would be fun to play with Hunger Games characters, but less people have read the books and I don’t want to spoil it for anyone.