Talking to inanimate objects

A friend brought up in conversation on Facebook chat that it’s weird when I talk to inanimate objects. So I said to my computer screen, “Really, doesn’t everyone do that?” My computer screen declined comment, but I don’t think I’m the only person who talks to inanimate objects. I’ve witnessed plenty of people yelling at inanimate objects that aren’t working. I do that too, but I like to mix it up and dole out compliments when warranted. For example the other night the underside of my pillow was refreshingly cold during the hot summer heat and I thanked it for the good work. Is that really so strange? I’m pretty sure as a child I was encouraged to talk to inanimate objects because I certainly talked more than any real person wanted to listen. That last sentence was me laying the foundation to blame society if everyone decides I am indeed crazy.  In my quest to decipher how crazy I am, I’m asking the internet (which is basically a black hole of crazy) if my conversations with inanimate objects are super strange. Here’s some instances that prompt me to converse with non-humans.

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My A-Z stance on important political issues

It was great to see President Obama announce his support for gay marriage. Believing politicians should never change their mind represents pure folly. Nothing good comes of a stubborn adherence to old beliefs with utter disregard to new facts, information, or arguments. It’s important people stand up for their beliefs. Speaking of which, I’d like to share some of my beliefs. In case anyone needs a role model in these trying times. Here’s an alphabetical guide to my feelings on important topics like crocs, birth control, and Edward Cullen.

is for anal… people. Calm it down. Do the counting to three thing or punch a wall. I don’t care. Stop sweating the small stuff. Poor children are starving everywhere (not just in Africa whoever made that saying a thing) and no one cares if the staple in the corner of my research paper is horizontal or vertical.

Just think WWBD “What Would a Bro Do?”

is for birth control. Cheaper and more environmentally friendly than continuously popping out children. If obese people expect insurance to cover their many health needs because they don’t want to give up unhealthy food, I expect birth control to be covered because I don’t want to give up sex.

Inconceivable.

is for crocs. Crocs are ugly. Judging if the amount of comfort they provide is worth the amount of pain they inflict on innocent eyes is a personal matter. I don’t see how it’s possible, but wear what you want. Just know, I think your Crocs look dumb.

I rest my case.

is for dinosaurs. Was Jurassic Park just a big tease? When are dinosaurs coming back? Someone must be working on this. Scientists need to step up the game. I want dinosaurs and space travel. I’d even donate money to these causes in return for a dinosaur or spaceship ride.

is for Edward Cullen. He’s creepy. Vampires shouldn’t sparkle. If someone breaks into your room and watches you sleep, don’t marry that person.

Stalking isn’t sexy.

is for feminism. The meaning of that word seems to vary so I’m not sure I’d call myself a feminist, but I support equal rights. Reproductive organs shouldn’t effect a person’s ability to work too many hours or stay at home caring for children.

is for google. I’m pretty sure google knows everything and am kind of concerned it’ll take over the world. Not too concerned though because if google search didn’t tell me google took over the world I’d probably never know. Maybe China will put up a fight.

is for homosexuality. This is America, land of the free. People should be free to do what they want with their naughty bits.

Love is not a political statement.

is for Instagram. Using instagram is fine, but it doesn’t make you a photographer. I’m not sure what does make you a photographer but I think there’s a test and a required amount of nature pictures and shots with strange lighting.

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